Good morning world.

I am sitting in my father's hospital room and thought I would update. ( I say that vainly, assuming people think this is worth reading) My dad fell at work about 2 weeks ago ( He works at the Georgetown Steel Mill) and cracked a couple of ribs. He was doing ok, without any major problems but then he started to swell up a whole lot. So, after a few days of being obstinate (typical) and refusing to go see the doctor, he decided on the 3rd that he would have to go do something about it either that night or that morning. They checked him into the Georgetown hospital and they told him it was his heart and he would have to have a catheterization done on his heart to see if they need to put another stint in (he already has 2) or something else. So, after a couple of days there, they sent him over to Charleston and he has been here for three days. He had his catheterization done yesterday, they went up through his leg and looked at his heart. But, they said that they didnt see anything except thinning arteries due to his diabetes. And so on and so forth. This is a lot longer than I thought. Anyway, he is fine, and we are hoping he can go home soon. (he will probably have to stay over the weekend though)
So that is what is going on in my life right now, may it soon be over.

Goodbye world.

Birthdays

Today is my last day of being a teenager.

Almost every year I cry on my birthday. Not because I feel like I am getting old, or I am afraid of change, but because I always look back on the things I have done or the person I once was and realize that I can never go back. I know it sounds absolutely petty and childish, but I have always hated losing the "old me." I am do not fear change, in fact I embrace it. But I know that I can never be the 13 year old girl, awkward, tall and friendless, or the 15 year old girl busy with music and church, always wrongly judging her older sister and being a listener for her mom. I also can never go back to the confident 17 year old that knows exactly what she wants out of life and is on the path to achieve it. I know that it is simply part of life to move on and to leave things behind, yet, I wish I could instead move on and take it all with me.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

By Robert Frost

Home

I have been home since the 2 months that school got out, yet I feel as if I have already been here forever. Not in the sense that I am going crazy being home, but I feel as if I have already forgotten everything about what life at school is like. I am forgetting professors, classes, events, everything. Every time that I come home from school, whether for the weekend or a break, I always slide back into home life as if I never left. I always hear that it is hard to go back home after you have lived away for a while, but for me it is almost too easy. I fall back into the patterns and schedules of my siblings and parents without any friction. Is this weird?

Impatience Really?

There have been a few times in my life that I find myself watching a scene unfold in someone's life. I am part of the act, but somehow can still watch the story unwind. I watch as the main character gets mixed up and makes mistakes, but unlike most nice stories, they dont fix them. They keep making more and more mistakes, making the wrong choices and not doing what seems to me so plainly the right thing. I watch as they change, and then I watch as I grow impatient with them. I dont know if it is because they are being stupid, or if they cant see the truth as plainly as I see it. I can take a peek to the end of the story, and see that the main character is going to hit a bad ending unless they stop what they change their direction right now. But, I can also see that they are not going to change, they are going to head right into that bad mess. I watch, but I cannot change it. I know the end, but nothing I can say will change the endind or warn the main character. So I simply sit back and watch the story. Shaking my head. Impatient? Really? Or something else?

Real

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does is mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up?" he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of you hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

The Velveteen Rabbit

A tree has fallen, blocking the road that runs from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers. I have smacked my shins running up against its massage trunk numerous times in the past few weeks. Echoing snatches of melody I try to walk through this path fall and shatter into pieces when I trip over its branches. Running excitedly down the path to share with friends musings I have finally caged, I repeatedly forget about the tree and stumble in its roots, dropping and breaking my cages and watching as my ponderings run free. There is no way around this tree and the tools to cut through this tree I left on the other side. Must I wait for it to rot before I can finally get by?

I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions by so many people for so many reasons. I feel incomplete as it is, as if I have a gap in my being. With a hole, when it is pulled it just tears and rips, leaving a bigger gap. Please, stop pulling. I dont need more wounds

Crutch

I feel like I am being used by people, but not in the sense of being weak. I feel like because I am strong and dependable to some people, they do not do anything for themselves any more. I am a crutch. A pill they pop at morning, noon and night to make themselves feel better, which isnt necessarily bad, but some people are addicted to me. Can you not live without me? I am not the best thing to rely on at all, just because I can put on a face of togetherness, doesnt mean I have the guts to match. Just because I give support does not mean people cannot use their own two legs. Get off of me, and go walk by yourself.

Clarity

I can see the clearest when there are tears in my eyes.

While the physical world swirls and dims with my clouded vision, the world that I cannot see slowly fades into focus.

Despite the frown of my mouth here, in the other world I smile.

Because, for once, I can see...

Love

"Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength."
Deuteronomy 6:5

How can I love you will all of something that is in pieces?

How can I love you with something that is despairing?

How can I love you with something that isn't even there?



Repair my heart

Uplift my soul

Revive my strength

I deleted my last post.

I have found that I am always curious but care little about other peoples opinions of me. I may honestly and truly not care whether someone likes me or thinks well of me or not, but I still just want to know. It like wanting to watch a stupid movie, I know it isnt good, but I still want to watch.

..................

I got to see my *niece* this weekend. She is so cute! So I am now an aunt twice! (only once officially, but emotionally twice)

I'm Drowning

When I think I'm going under, part the waters Lord.
When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea,
When I cry for help, oh, hear me Lord and hold out Your hand.
Touch my life, and still the raging storm in me.

My arms and heart are still open, but I cant make you step forward, instead you step back. Moving on are we? Am I already the past? Are you turning your back on the one who's shoulder you've cried on many times? Sure you've been through pain, but pain comes in different forms. What pain you never felt, I am drowning in. Don't tell me you are moving on, just leave, don't make it worse...

But my arms and heart are still open...

In The Arms of Pain

Pain once again holds me in his arms.
His tears run their cold fingers down my cheek.
He caresses my face with a chilled stroke.
He pulls at the strings of my heart.
Never given permission, he just took me.
In a rape of my emotions, he stole something from me.
He stole my day, he stole my smile.
In his arms I lay.
Cold.
Alone.
Surrounded.
He holds my hand, he kisses my palm.
He steals my breath.
Pain holds me in his arms.

Good Grief!

Why does is seem that my emotions are the axle on which everyone's emotions around me swings? If I don't feel like doing something, thats all it is! I am not slipping into depression, I am not mad at you, and I am not hiding my true feelings! I simply don't feel like doing something!! Puh-leeze! You can have a good day without me! You can smile without me having to smile first! You can live without me!!! Do I really have that much power over you that I can change your whole day by just not feeling like talking?

Go Away!!

Sometimes I feel like I am being suffocated by the close and intimate acquaintances that are in my life. I love them all, and care deeply for them all. However, a little time alone (preferably even on my own bed which constantly seems to be occupied by previously addressed persons) would be greatly appreciated. I may be very out going and sociable, but I need my down time to make up for it. Ever since I was little I would go outside and walk around on the big piece of land we own and simply be. I even miss talking to myself! (something I am very good at)
I suppose that such sacrifices are expected. My mom and I over break had a great conversation about the things that a leader misses out on. Such as their own shoulder to cry on. Or their own person to turn to when they are confused. I cant always be the ear, occasionally I need to be the mouth.

Therefore, if I may be so rude....

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

In The Beginning...

Well.
Here I go, starting another blog. I feel like my Xanga has been turned into a form of social interaction by my friends. I feel constricted by my audience. Only writing what I know will not hurt feelings or offend acquaintances. If I cant write about what I am actually thinking and feeling, then whats the use of writing at all? Hopefully I can keep this blog out of sight for a while...